Bambinos

Beckham gave a lesson for family home evening on baby care and safety. He included a film that he directed entitled "Babies". 

When interviewed about his inspiration behind the making of this movie he said: 

"______" 

(Nothing. Babies don't talk) 

But it is rumored his motive was to show off ridiculously good looking babies. 

#roughstuff

Once upon a today Max pooped. He pooped yesterday as well. And the day (which was Sunday) before that. He's a regular old chap. (And he's going to murder me when he's 16 and finds out how often I blogged about his bowel movements...)

Pooping happens. (apparently frequently)

Something particularly fun about his latest poops has been his penchant for taking care of it himself. Sunday morning was his first go at it. I was changing the baby (I have  new baby now, FYI. That's how fantastic I've been at blogging.) and apparently the poop smells mingled because I was completely oblivious that Max was getting his diaper changed BY HIMSELF at the exact same time, in the exact same room. (I might not be sleeping and it might be killing brain cells) He has an interesting wiping technique, which I discovered when I turned around to see him wiping his bum on the white duvet for my bed. 

#sundaysarerough

What I was hoping was a fluke turned out NOT to be a fluke when yesterday he changed his poopy diaper downstairs. (Another interesting tidbit, since the last time I blogged we've done a complete home renovation and now I have a basement family room...) I found out about this one while I was working on the never dwindling pile of dishes in the sink. He sauntered upstairs in his completely nakeds and handed me the baby blanket he had inefficiently used to wipe his bum. 

#mondaysarerough

And then this morning, which you have already read, Max pooped again. And wouldn't you guess that AGAIN he tried to change his own diaper. And AGAIN he attempted to wipe using a baby blanket. Only difference is, this time I caught him. I came out of my new walk in closet (also a new development since last time I blogged) to smell poop and see a son stark naked attempting to put together a potty chair on my bedroom floor. Of course the damage was already done and so sitting on said chair was irrelevant. But when he stood up and attempted to use his brothers blanket to wipe his bum I was actually there to catch him and prevent it. I also happened to have a container of wet wipes within arms length. So I got the privilege of wiping duty today.

On the plus side, disposing of his diaper reminded me that it was garbage day. 

See? #winwin

Maybe Tuesdays are rough... and maybe it's 9 am and I just jinxed myself.

And since in writing this post I realize just how much has happened since 7 months ago, allow me to post the sweetened condensed version in case I never get around to it:

• In March I had a birthday. I turned 30. I even managed it without a midlife crisis. (I think)
• We also tiled a bathroom in March. It was pretty epic seeing that we waited over a year for my tile to come in. Good thing I love it!!
• In April Max had a birthday. He turned 2. He's still too cute for his own good.
• We ripped down a wall. Lathe and plaster. That was intense.
• We ripped down a ceiling as well. 9' ceilings, it's all the rage.
• Then dad came up in May and they were maniacs! Drywall, ceilings, stairs, laundry room, family room, playroom, DOORS, trim, paint...
• and somewhere in the very middle of that WE HAD A BABY!!!!
• Beckham George, 6.8.13, 7lb 6oz, 20 in, hair
• Cooper had a birthday. That big boy turned 7. Seven. That's disgusting.
• Even more disgusting, Kameryn turned 9 a couple weeks ago.
• Which brings us to the fact that we've decided to homeschool. I just can't bear the thought of my children growing up so fast all while spending 7 hours of every day away from me. Go ahead and judge us. I have a panic attack about it at least once a day.
• We had a washing machine break. So we bought a new one.
• We painted our hardwood floors. They're blue now. And fabulous.
• Our dog was "bit in half" but he escaped death. At first I was happy about that. Now... (Just kidding, I love this dog more than I like him.) 
• We blessed a baby. Attended 2 family reunions. And, just in case I don't get to it, Brandon and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary the end of this month.

Maybe I've forgotten stuff, which isn't surprising. I forget at least one thing a day. Most times it's the laundry.

Anyway, it's 9:30 now and I've yet to make breakfast so obviously the house is starving! 

(See Mom? This is why I don't blog anymore. I have to feed the masses.#bowensareseven)

If you talk to yourself like a crazy person, horrible things will most likely happen to you. This is a cautionary tale.

*Disclaimer: If you in any way have a weak/queasy stomach, this might be a post for you to skip over.

Read on, oh brave one.

Every once in a while, as a mother, you have the distinct misfortune of having all your worst fears confirmed. Today was such a day. 

Now yesterday was Landon's birthday. Max expressed his keen displeasure at the breakfast table when he exclaimed "No, my birthday!" (which sounded more like NO, ma ote-ay) Max isn't adapting well to the fact that Landon's toys don't belong to him. 

Rough one.

Today it has been no different. So, this morning, when the air was finally clear of baby screams, I considered it an absolute blessing to have Max seated in his room, in front of his toy chest, surrounded by toys of his own and playing contentedly. (PS rule #1 of motherhood: If your children look and sound like they are being perfect angels, you are being scammed and they are either planning horrible things to do to you or in the process of acting out said plans. Don't EVER forget that.)

It all began harmlessly enough. Max sauntered into the family room to show me his toy. 

I smiled at him. 

Then my eyes widened in shock. 

"Where's your diaper?!" 

I gasped. 

"Oh, please don't be..." 

Yep, he turned around and there for everyone to see was his naked bum, covered in poop. Technically his entire back side was covered in poop; up his back, down his legs, all over his feet.

"Oh gosh, please don't sit down! Where's your diaper"

He led me down the hall to the dirty clothes where his diaper rested... EMPTY.

"Oh no! Oh no! Not the carpet..."

Yep, the carpet. Right in front of his toy chest in his room... surrounded by a dozen or more toys.

"Oh crap no!"

Oh crap yes. Yes, yes, yes. All over the toys. ALL OVER THE TOYS.

Well... 

(I have a lot of thoughts racing through my mind right now. As I type this up I feel my #1 mistake was in voicing all my fears out loud. No good can come from talking to yourself.)

I could tell you the details of what all went down next. But instead I feel it better to "summarize" the steps for future posterity (so just incase you ever find yourself in a similar situation you will know what to do when):

wet wipes

bath

more wet wipes

do some gagging

disinfect toys

coat yourself in poop

probably need more gagging

add the "well played with" toys to the bath tub

wash your hands

call you mom

scrub brush

gag a lot more (as the scrub brush will really release the scent into the air)

dish soap

scrubbing

lots of gagging

rags

more rags

gags

more gags

water

call your spouse and listen to them laugh at you

put the sordid details on the blog

tap out for the rest of the day

And there you have it. 

My mom laughed at me when I called her and asked how to get poop out of the carpet. She also informed me that she NEVER dealt with that as a mother. She had 8 kids. I told her I was trying to set the bar higher for Kami to have to try to live up to. After all, this isn't my first ticket to the poop cleanup rodeo. (I should have been a dairyman) 

Brandon began laughing at me the second I told him Max didn't have a diaper on and he only got louder the further along I got in my story. (In his defense he tried to be sympathetic. But it just came across as sheer glee at having escaped a fate as terrible as mine.) In talking to him I realized that, in fact, all my children, except Cooper, had done something similar to me. See Kami's story here. And a brief retelling of the time Landon did it here.

That might automatically bump Cooper up to favorite child status.

The End.

We're Having A...

Clubhouse Rules

 Being the only girl in a household of boys is apparently SUPER rough on Kami. Today when I was putting things away in the kid's rooms I found this piece of paper on the floor of Kami's room: 

A few of my favorite highlights from the picture:

1. "No boys allowed except Max, Dad, and Mom." ... yep I've apparently switched genders.

2. The boys faces with x's through them

3. The fact that she labeled the trash under their beds

4. Her very accurate depiction of the exact items I just picked up off the boy's floor.

5. The fact that her room (aka her bed for her American Girl doll) looks neat and orderly. I guarantee you in real life it does not.

6. And finally, the fact that her list of friends that can gain admittance into her room turns into a list of her favorite tv shows. (I'm assuming her reasoning is that just in case they ever stop by, she wanted to make sure they were on the bouncer's list.)

Now, what made this gem of a diagram/keep out sign even more hilarious is the fact that just last night Cooper approached me with a paper where he had written "boys room!" and then drawn a picture of a girl with an x through her face.

"Mom, do you know what this says?"

"Boy's room, no girls allowed."

He nodded in satisfaction and went down to bed.

Since Kami's favorite sentence is "No boys allowed in my room", I figured his sign was his form of retaliation. 

So naturally, when I found her detailed drawing I immediately went looking for his from last night (you know, so I could blog them together)

I found it ripped in two on top of his dresser. (not exactly clear on who ripped it) As you can see he's added a bit since I saw it last.

I will do my best to interpret:

"her came in why ... something something.... if Kami is a Landon? Cooper Land is allowed and daddy and momma"

As you can see, my translation skills are still top notch. I'll ask him for the true translation when he gets home.

(Click on images to see them larger)

I just got the interpretation from Cooper. His sign is supposed to read:
"Daddy and Momma are allowed. Cooper and Landon are allowed. Kami is allowed if we let her come in."
Apparently my mistake came in reading the sign from top to bottom when it was clearly meant to be read from bottom to top. 

Landon's Baby Talk

Today Max kept knocking down my piles of folded clothes. I growled at him and said his name in my best whiny voice. Landon shook his head and muttered under his breath 

"This is why you shouldn't have had a baby named Max..." 

About a month or so ago (also on a laundry day) I was failing at attempting to fold the laundry. Landon took one look at me and said 

"Mom, this is making you get sicker. I think you need to go lay down and take a nap. I'll take care of this job for you." 

He picked up his first shirt and then set it down 

"Ack-a-lee (actually) my just let Dad do this job for you." 

- He's so sweet. Always has OUR best interests at heart.

Also back in December Landon and I were having a conversation about what a good baby Max was. 

"Do you think this next baby is going to be a good baby too?" I asked.

"Yeah... my hope it's a girl baby so Max can have a girlfriend.

And then when they get bigger they can get married.

But if it's a brother than they can't get married. 

'Cuz boys can't marry brothers."

"Yep, that's where we draw the line." I said

This morning we were talking about the different names we could name our baby if it was a girl or a boy. He would ask me my opinion and then promptly shoot down every name I came up with with a 

"Bleck! No! I don't like that name! That's not a good name!"

So I asked him for his opinion. 

He wasn't sure about a girl name, BUT if we have a boy 

"We should name him Batman cuz then he can fly!"

"Really," I asked "Do you think if we name him Batman then he'll be able to fly?"

"Hmm... Ack-a-lee my think only the real Batman can fly. He won't be able to fly because he'll be a baby. 

And baby Batmans don't fly... that's silly!"

While I was doing chores this afternoon Landon said 

"Mom my think you are getting way too fat for your shirts?" "Yeah, my can see your belly all the way from over here!" 

That was a fun observation. 

It was even more flattering when he composed his sentiments into song: 

"You're getting fat-ter, fat-ter,  fat-ter. You're so fat, fat, fat. Yeah, your fat. Oh your fat-ter, fat-ter, fat-ter...." 

- It's going to be a chart topper.

(Extra fun tidbit: Just this morning Cooper looked at me and said "Hey, your tummy's getting really fat. That means you're almost going to have the baby!" I just shook my head and said "Oh no son, my belly's going to get a lot bigger than this." He looked at me as if that was impossible. Yeah... I'm 16 weeks. If I'm fat now, heaven only knows what I'll be 5 months from now.)

At Least I Occasionally Update Facebook

I had this delusional idea that I updated my blog more frequently... I mean I wasn't totally delusional and I knew posts had been few and far between. But still. Apparently a long time ago I used to post my facebook status'. And by long time I'm talking back in Sept. of 2011... yeah I had no idea. When I looked at my 2012 posts I realized I had only posted about 20 times the entire year. WHAT?!! Grr...

You were right mom, I should have updated my blog.

Alright, without further ado, here is what my facebook status' say we've been up to for the last 15 months.

One of the risks you take in ignoring your baby's poopy diaper is that he may take the initiative and try and change it himself.
#thatjusthappened #poopeverywhere

Next time I'll weigh my options a little better. It would seem like I didn't do myself any favors in avoiding it. Jan 4 2013

‎"What do you guys want for breakfast? You can have pancakes or malt-o-meal or..." "Or you could have leftover cake from last night! That's what I'm going to have." - Cooper Jan 4 2013

‎"Santa Claus knows what your name is. He's a smart guy." - me
"No he's not, he's a spy! Santa and all his elves are spies. Didn't you watch Arthur Christmas?" - Landon Dec 4 2012

"wow mom, your kid is super gross!" -kami Nov 16 2012

Landon is super mad at me because I won't make him more food (because he ate breakfast an hour ago) "ugh! You're the meanest and your not going to let me eat until lunch. Then that's going to be gross. You're going to make it poisonous!"  Nov 5 2012

Happy Birthday Husband!!! (who no longer has a facebook but remains the most decidedly incredible man/husband/father/best friend/sexy beast ever. And that's not just propaganda that's real talk.) I love you muffin! Nov 4 2012

‎"Landon, what do you want to be for Halloween?"
"You have to type 'halloween costumes dot com' so I can look and see!"  Oct. 15 2012

So grateful for a husband who finds ways to let me know he loves me even when he is crazy busy. #luckiestgirlalive  Oct. 8 2012

Max, my 17 month old, has taken to spitting when he's angry at me.
It's nice to have the popular expression "I'm so angry I could spit"/"spitting mad" finally given a visual representation.
... it's funnier now.   Oct. 3 2012

Landon is in peak performance today and after he slammed Max's fingers in the door Cooper promptly responded with "Excuse me, I'm going to go have a talk with that young man!" - Be still my heart. Oct. 2 2012

Once upon a time a boy asked a girl to marry him... she said yes. (naturally) They got married one day and then 9 years later he asked her on a hot date, AFTER he'd already arranged for a babysitter.  Aug. 29 2012

Just when you think your day can't possibly get any worse.... your son (4) pees all over every toy in the basement. #realtalk Aug. 24 2012

"ew gross! Mom that guy is running without a shirt on! ... Are you going to call the cops? You should call the cops when people run around naked." - cooper  July 28 2012

Landon just told me he was crying "because of a bad decision I made (to tell him no)." July 19 2012

I told my children we could go to the library if they got the house clean.
"No Mom, you have to make the house a mess to go to the library. That's what the other mom's say." - Landon  July 16 2012

I just painted my toenails and it looks like a 2 year old did it. I'm far more doubtful of my womanly abilities now.  July 14 2012

"Cooper, can you pick up that underwear?"
"But Kami's bum goes in that. I'm picking up bum stuff. REALLY MOM?"
There isn't a day that goes by that I am not grateful to be this child's mother.  July 13 2012

After telling Cooper "no" 5 times in a row to the exact same question I finally moaned "I don't care."
To which he happily responded "I knew you'd say 'I don't care'."
He's a clever one    July 12 2012

"aagh! facebook?! Are you going to write down something I said?"   July 10 2012

Over the past couple weeks every time I ask Kami if she can do something for me she responds with "Why? Are you too lazy?" I've learned to skip the formalities and just answer "yes."   July 8 2012

‎"...No, Max cannot reach that far. His arms are little, like a T-Rex." - Cooper July 2 2012

Cooper: "Mom, smell me."
Mom: "You smell like you coated yourself in cinnamon toothpaste."
Cooper: "I wanted myself to smell nice and fresh and cinnamon smells fresh."
...You got me there kid. Well played.   June 28 2012

"Guys! A sleepover is not for having fun. It is for sleeping" -kami. She is at a stage right now where apparently sleeping takes precedence over all other activities.  June 26 2012

‎"It won't be an owie wedgie Landon. Come here." - Cooper  June 20 2012

We have the heater on to help dry out the drywall mud. My house smells like Christmas.  June 15 2012

I was so excited to pull my bread out of the oven. I got my oven mitt on, set out a trivet and then I realized I never put the bread IN the oven.
Yes... I am my mother.    June 8 2012

Landon "yes I did! And don't give me that 'hmm' face."  June 7 2012

Every child in this house is screaming at me... This mom needs a nap.  June 7 2012

Baby just dumped 4 cups of olive oil on the kitchen floor. He must have known that I wasn't going to actually get around to mopping the floor unless a calamity occurred. Well played baby. Well played.  June 5 2012

"Cooper, I'm not going to tell you until you tell me what I just barely said" ...silence... and then "blah, blah, blah, blah"   June 3 2012

‎"My mom is the best! My mom is the best! My mom is the best, best, best, best, best! My mom is the best... etc." This is the song Kami is singing in the bedroom right now. Happiest song I've ever heard. (And now Cooper is singing it as well. Such a happy song!)   June 1 2012

Max just learned how to go down stairs and stand up from a crawling position. I'd say that was a pretty successful trip to grandmas. May 19 2012

‎"When I have kids... when my mother (meaning wife) has kids I'm going to have 100. And all the girls will be dancers and all the boys will be firefighters" - Cooper at dinner   May 13 2012

Son is in time out for peeing outside... while jumping on the trampoline. Bizarre.  May 10 2012

"I got you a spoon. I'm such a gentleman." -cooper  May 5 2012

I gave the baby a haircut... now I want to cry! :(   May 2 2012

We have water! Which I think is a sign that the plumbing is operational.  April 28 2012

Fun thing about being in the middle of a big basement reno: Your son will go to school wearing the exact same clothes he wore the day before and you won't notice it until after you drop him off...  April 26 2012

We have a problem: My teeth hurt and I am scared of the dentist. As in, thinking about going to the dentist makes me so nervous I want to puke... plus it gives me nightmares. I'm hoping to wake up in the morning and pretend this tooth pain never happened... it's worked for 2 years (or has it?)   April 4 2012

Landon "Dad, can this be my cheese?" Dad (Brandon Bowen) "Yes, seeing that you just licked it, that can definitely be your cheese." My life is the best!  March 25 2012

‎"Mom, I figured out your not supposed to marry sisters" - Cooper  March 12 2012

Every once in a while Landon puts on this stuffy accent and pretends to talk for Max. One of my favorite things Max has every said (via Landon) was spoken just this morning:
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, me peed all over the floor so you guys could slip. What? What? What?!"
Max is kind of a gangster at heart. Only Landon understands his true essence.   March 5 2012

I cut my finger open on a plastic fork. Sadly, this is not the first time I have done this. MAD SKILLS!   Feb 27 2012

"Landon is practicing his reading. Today he read the following off a bag of chocolate chips: "Only for cookies and kids so they don't get starving!"   Feb 24 2012

‎"Mom, these sandwiches are 100% delicious!" - Cooper.  Feb 20 2012

You know you are a mom when you arrive at your destination and realize you aren't wearing any shoes...   Feb 13 2012

Cooper: "mom, when I get bigger I'm going to be able to lift you up. Because when you are big you can lift up fat people"  Feb 8 2012

My husband just said he finds me "bearable"... That was an ego boost.  Feb 6 2012

"Hey! My know who that is! That's the prophet President Monster!" Best ever.   Dec 30 2011

Cooper: "Mom, do you want to know what I want for Christmas? A computer. To learn stuff...not to put games on. It will help me learn so much stuff. I just want a computer so I can learn." Right?... not buying it kid.  Dec 23 2011

‎"Mom, some days I want to be a power ranger" - Cooper
Don't we all son, don't we all...  Dec 14 2011

‎"Mom, my like you now... Last night when my was going to bed and my kept getting out of bed my didn't like you." -Landon  Nov 23 2011

Landon is under the table teaching Dexter how to pray before he will give him his doggy treat. Cutest boy ever!  Nov 8 2011

I love it when the item I was positive wouldn't come clean emerges from the dishwasher all sparkly. I feel like I just cheated death!  Nov 8 2011

‎"How many times mom? How many times did my say not to do that? It was seven or it was eight." - Landon Nov 3 2011

‎"Well guess who's only cleaning? Oh yeah, Kami again." Love you girl (even with the sass.)  Oct 31 2011

Max just blew out of his diaper all the way up to his neck and Landon, simultaneously, missed the toilet by an entire foot and unloaded 1/2 cup of urine into a puddle on the bathroom floor. Potty party at my house!  Oct 26 2011

‎(As I was getting a bath ready for Max) "Good Mom, you need to take a shower. You are WAY stinky! My can smell you from the dinner table." Thanks Landon.  Oct 21 2011

‎"Mom, did you know you will get a real monkey if you clap your hands eleven times?" - Landon  Oct 14 2011

Landon's favorite thing to mutter when he's particularly frustrated with my parenting: "Stupid girl." Today, he changed it up a little with a "you girls are so stupid". At least it's plural now so I don't have to take it so personally.  Oct 13 2011

‎"Kami, it's okay if you're sick at school. There's a garbage can and you can just throw up in there." - Cooper  Oct 3 2011

I have a rogue frog somewhere in my house... I keep getting the feeling he is watching me.  Sept 26 2011

When I went to check and make sure that Landon really had done his chore (cleaning the toilet) I found out that he sprayed the toilet with about a gallon of febreeze. Well, he's got the right idea.  Sept 20 2011

‎"Mom, Cooper's rollie-pollie is still alive! But we dug him a hole for when dies." - Kami. I believe that's what we call great expectations.  Sept 16 2011

Whew! If you made it through that, congrats. On the plus side, it has probably taken you a month to read it and now you won't notice as much that it took me another month to update my blog.