First of all, I don't want any snickering or laughing from my mother, father, or Gwen. But lately, I have had the strong impression that I hate my dog. She is completely puppy, always into things, making messes, disobedient, plus, my children are so ill behaved around her. I have often harbored the thought that if she was run over, I wouldn't care. (I know, I am evil) Saddest thing about it, she is absolutely in love with me. I am her favorite person and she follows me around everywhere (which is annoying...not endearing) This only adds to my feelings of "evil person"-ness. So imagine my surprise when the following "event" took place last night: I had a dream about Lulu.
Maybe I am the only mother who does this, but I often have horrifying nightmares of my children being in life or death situations and it is up to me to save them. I used to only dream about Kami, until Cooper came along and now I dream about him as well. Well, last night, neither one of my children where in my dream/nightmare, but my dog was...
So, quick dream run down, Lulu and I were stuck in an RV type vehicle, filling up with carbon monoxide, which I had to protect us both from by covering our mouths. Suddenly the gas in the RV exploded and sent the RV plummeting into a raging river. I was screaming for my dad to save us, but he couldn't hear us. Finally he heard me and reached down and pulled me out of the RV and then I remember screaming for Lulu because she was still trapped and was going to drown. Well, Lulu was saved just as I woke up in a panic.
So, I guess I do, subconsciously, care about my dog, I guess. I don't feel so evil now, but I kind of do, because even as I am typing this out I am thinking that my dream was probably wrong and Lulu was a metaphor for someone/something else or it was just because I can't stand for another living thing to be harmed.... I don't know. I'm pregnant and I was on serious pain killers last night, that is probably the real analysis of my dream.
After living through this same feeling for the past 9 months I can tell you, maybe just to make myself feel better, that you’re not a bad person, it's just a bad time. Daniel brought home a puppy 2 weeks after Taylor was born. And as an avowed animal lover I can openly admit that if I could painlessly kill the dog I am pretty sure I would do it. I've even thought (briefly?) of how easy it would be to throw the tennis ball into the road at an inappropriate time and the dog would surely be stupid enough to follow it. I think there are just certain windows of time when a puppy is a joy, otherwise it’s just one more thing that poops.
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