That'll Leave A Mark.

Today I ran smack dab, head first, into a very large fist full of things I absolutely do not like about myself.

and it hurt really bad.

and I cried.
and cried.


It still stings something fierce too.

Ever have that feeling where your insides are so angry and disappointed and frustrated and humiliated by yourself that you feel like you literally are going to explode with unpleasant emotions?

Or how about that feeling where your heart feels like it is being crushed inside you and it hurts to breathe, but you don't want to think about it for fear your brain will spin a million miles per hour and leave you shrinking further and further into a big dark hole of hopelessness?

I've got both. I don't know whether I'm going to explode or suffocate.


I get so frustrated at me sometimes I just want to shake myself and yell "SHAPE UP! What is your problem?!"



Gosh, I hate this.

I'm usually pretty open about sharing my shortcomings here on the blog, but today I don't really feel like it. This ones just too personal. The kind of personal like "this is all I've ever wanted to be good at in my entire life" and I'm not being good at it.
That kind of personal.
The kind of personal that I'm too humiliated to admit to myself let alone 10 other blog readers, and definitely not people I would like to like me.


I just can't get this right. I'm just not good at this. And I'd like to say "hard as I try", but I can't and that's just the point. I'm not trying and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why the heck not. If it's all I've ever wanted. If it's all I still want. If I know I could actually be really good at it if I just tried. Than what the heck is wrong with me?
Why am I not doing it?
Why won't I be better?
Why won't I try to be better?

I said my prayers tonight and I asked Heavenly Father to help me. I'm not sure what to do with myself but I know He'll know. And I know while He works on helping me figure it out He'll hold me so I can borrow some peace.

Disclaimer: Sometimes I blog because I need to release all my thoughts and emotions so I can go to sleep.
Sometimes I blog because it cleans out my tears and then I can breathe and be okay.
Sometimes I need a post just for me. I need to write my struggles, for nobody but me.
Consider this one of those times.

I need to be able to do this; to work this out, and writing helps me do that.
Putting it on my blog holds me accountable for what I'm figuring out.
It is, after all, MY blog so I figure it's got to be legal...at least in this state.

It's okay, don't worry, I do love myself very much.
It's just one of those days where I disgust myself. (and that's okay.)