For Kameryn

I am not supposed to be blogging. In fact, today was to begin my week long hiatus from the computer. But, certain events have unfolded within the last 24 hours that lead me to release feelings that will otherwise smother me.
My daughter is in the hospital. Things could be much worse and for that, we are blessed. Several thoughts go through a mother's mind when such moments arrive. I would be lying if I said these moments don't bring doubt or anger. Not doubt in my Heavenly Father, but doubt in my own faith to heal and be healed. And not anger at God, though I admit that might be the easiest route, but anger at the unfairness of it all. The longing to be able to take it all away, to feel the pain so she wouldn't have to, and the knowledge that that request will never be granted. And even worse, knowing that the one suffering is not the one who deserves it...she's a baby.
Today I am filled with a myriad of mixed and contradictory emotions. Fear and peace. Anger and understanding. Helplessness and hope. Misery and love. The hardest words I have ever learned to say are "not my will, but thine be done." It is next to impossible to put aside your own desires concerning your child's well being and say those words of complete, yielding faith.
But, from the moment this little girl was created, she has been teaching me about such faith. I always thought I understood what I deemed to be a simple concept. It wasn't until her that I realized how essential, how powerful, and how extremely vital, this "simple concept" was.
From in my womb she taught me the nature of God. A Father, my Father, who was acutely aware of me and my situation. Who looked over my little family huddled together in a hospital bed with Kameryn in my womb and Brandon curled up next to me with nothing but a hope of what might be sustaining to even think that we might one day be able to be a family. Mustering up all the courage and faith we had to be able to say: "Not my will, but Thine be done...even if that means loosing the thing that we want more than anything in the world, our daughter." Through Kameryn I learned that faith is a gift. It is an opportunity, a blessing to believe. It is no small coincidence that her middle name is Grace. "For by Grace you are saved after all you can do."
I don't know why we struggled through what we did to get Kameryn here. Neither do I know why it seems we have to struggle so hard sometimes to keep her here. But I do know that my Heavenly Father knows. He is mindful of us. And, though things may not always be how we would hope them to, He is with us, every step of the way.
Now, I have something to say to Kameryn. And, Kami, while I know you cannot read, and I know you aren't dying, I would like you to know that I love you. And you have given me one of the most precious gifts I have ever received. Through your example, through your being, I have come to know my Heavenly Father in a much more real and vital way. You have taught me to believe. You have taught me to have faith in God. You have taught me to believe in His power. And, through your very being, you have demonstrated His love for me and for you. You are a beautiful girl. You are so brave. And you are full of faith. You define Grace in every aspect of the word. I love you, and look forward to when we can come home. Love, mommy