For my husband. For my best friend.

Sometimes in life you get blessed with something so ridiculously amazing you spend your entire life being so filled with gratitude you feel as if you could burst or cry. I feel that way about my kids, about my family, and about the gospel. But, most of all, I feel that way about you Brandon.

Usually I can write down exactly what I am thinking. Exactly how I am feeling. But with you none of the adjectives seem big enough. None of the phrases seem special enough. Even "I love you" feels like it falls flat, overdone, far to simple a phrase to explain how I feel about you. Can it encompass the way you make my heart flip-flop when you smile at me yet still describe the void I feel when you are away? When I say "I love you so much" do you hear "Oh my gosh man my insides are doing so many crazy things I can't make heads or tails of anything but you". Because if I say I love you I want you to hear: I love you. I need you. I am grateful for you. I want you. I appreciate you. You make me better. You make me happy. You are patient. You are kind. You are incredible. You are so handsome. You are my everything. I love you. And still it doesn't feel like I've explained it well enough.

When I say "I am so grateful for you" or "Thank you so much" do you realize that those two little letters s-o mean mean "I was so tired, so overwhelmed that I didn't think I could do it one more second" or that they mean "I see you. I notice you. I see all those tiny little things you do for me everyday. I see the way you get out of bed when you're tired and go to work anyway. I notice that you wake up and take care of the kids so I can sleep after a long night. I hear you say 'be quiet, mom's trying to sleep.' I notice what you sacrifice for me." Thank you. Does it mean that? Because it does. It means that whatever you just did for me made me better, made my day better, made my life better; just having you in it. Knowing you think about me. S-O those little letters are supposed to acknowledge those "little" things. I am so grateful for you.

When I type the words: Brandon is such an amazing father, that word "amazing" is supposed to describe the way you wrestle with the kids, the smile Max gets when he hears your voice, the way you can make the kids giggle until they explode. The patient way you teach them to be better. The way you talk to them. The look in your eyes when you see them or tell people stories about them. The joy you have to be with them and they have to be with you. Your desire to do good by them. The fact that you work everyday to provide for them. Amazing means that you are an example to them, a friend, a mentor, a helper, a constant. But that is not how Webster describes it so I worry that you don't get the full depth of my meaning. You are amazing. In everything you do. But, in particular, you are an amazing father.

Sometimes I tell you "You are the man of my dreams". It probably sounds cliche because sometimes people say things like that and they don't mean it. I, however, usually mean what I say. I mean that I literally looked at you and thought "I couldn't have imagined a more perfect man for me. When I imagined my future husband I imagined him doing exactly as your doing now... but even still not as amazing as you." Like yesterday I watched you rake leaves in the backyard with the kids. I watched you interact with them. I watched you teach them an easier way to do things. And, this might not exactly be g-rated for the blog, but I watched you work (you know, muscles and stuff...) and I thought "this man right here in my backyard is THE dream man... and he belongs to me." That makes me so lucky. Don't you see? Everyday I am so lucky and grateful that you are who you are and that you chose to be mine.

Brandon Bowen, I love you. A lot. Happy Birthday best friend.

Harvest: a metaphor

Today, while on the job, during an Idaho 50mph windstorm, Brandon was taken out by a porta-potty.

I do not lie.

The wind picked up a blue room and chucked it at my husband knocking him flat on his back and pinning him beneath it.

In his own words "Luckily Shaun was there and we got it off me before it started oozing."

Lucky indeed.

Events like this need to be posted for posterity's sake.

Take heart Brandon, the irony of today's event wasn't lost on me. Because, after all, isn't that exactly what harvest feels like: being smacked to the dirt by a 300 lb outhouse.

Brandon wasn't hurt, btw, because "he's super strong."

And, in case you were able to make it through this short paragraph without laughing out loud, Cooper would like to offer the following facts:

"Porta-Pottys are so way funny because they are all the way so full of pee and poop!"

Primary Pumpkin Patch Picking

Alliteration at it's finest.

This spring our Primary Planted a Patch of Pumpkins in the Primary section of the ward garden. Best thing about Planting Pumpkins: you just let them grow.

Tonight, for FHE (family home evening) we Participated (yes, I'm Purposely seeing how many P words I can use in this Post.) in the grand Pumpkin Picking Party.

Perfect family/fall activity.

We also ate Pumpkin Pie icecream. No lies.

AND I took Pictures! Plenty of Pretty Pictures.  Just like the Paparazzi.

Aren't you Proud?

Please Peruse them. (I'm Positively beaming with Pride.)

 

Lining up for pumpkin pie ice cream. YUMMY!

Kami and Kaitlyn

 

I can't get over his handsome face. This boy is going to steal hearts!

Even Daddy got to come. 

 

 Landon and his "girlfriend" Ella Colucci.

I know it's blurry but doesn't the expression on his face just scream "I'm standing by a girl..."

Love it! 

And this one is going on the tables at their reception. 

Paparazzi

Like I mentioned in my post just barely about Kami, I got some paparazzi pictures the other day and I might as well share the rest of them.

Side note, you know you have a "winky face" addiction when you are typing a blog post and go to insert a "winky smiley face". I'm quite certain that if I winked as much in person as I do in text messages I would have no friends. 

Also, I wink like this: 

It's an illness.

ANYWAY...

 

Not exactly sure Max wanted along for the ride.

 

Our neighbors just happen to have a Landon... exactly the age of our Landon.

 

Cooper was practicing his soccer skills

 

Max needs to get one of these. Every time he is outside he walks down to the neighbors two doors down to "borrow" theirs.

 

Look how happy!

 

He was showing me all kinds of new skills. My personal favorite was the run and slide kick. (which I didn't catch on film. But the grass stains on his pants can prove that he really excelled at it.)

Sweet Landon

 

I love this one of him racing down the sidewalk.

 

Mowing the lawn

 

Rearing to go!

 

And a classic Landon face.

Kami: The Best Big Sister EVER!

Somedays,

Most days,

Especially most harvest days,

I don't know what I would do or how I would cope without my little (getting bigger) girl.

On Saturday I payed her $4 to clean my kitchen. 

She even mopped. 

I can not explain the feeling of peace and joy that gave me. 

And she did a bang up job. (Of course, most people can clean a kitchen better than me.)

On Sunday I prayed for a miracle.

A mighty change of heart.

I was in a terrible mood and sitting on the chapel bench alone, with 4 kids (3 of them rambunctious and pestering boys), wasn't making it better.

Max refuses to stay put and I had spent the first 20 minutes chasing a baby up and down the aisle. Every time I turned my head (say to pull Cooper of the top of Landon) he would bolt. At one point I thought I'd lost him. And then I looked down the bench. And there was Kami with my baby, my content baby, relaxing on her lap. 

The fact that she had him sitting still and smiling was enough to make me cry.

She looked up at me and smiled with her angelic little girl face.

It was my miracle I'd begged my Father in heaven for.

I'm so glad I witnessed that moment.

I will remember that look for the rest of my life.

How did I get so lucky?

I'm a terrible mother for a little girl. I can't do her hair to safe my life and I feel like I'm never doing anything right by her. Like I'm never patient enough, or interested enough. Like I never have time to let her be her instead of using her as an errand runner/babysitter/mess-picker-upper. Somehow she puts up with me and somehow she still loves me. If I were her I'd send me back. (Like Landon said today "Mom, your the worst mom even. Jesus should send you back!")

 (side note: Check out Landon's face! CLASSIC)

I took all these pictures the other day with my "telephoto" lens (actually, I don't know if that's the real name. It's just my lens with the mega zoom) and I felt like paparazzi! 

It was fun to look through them tonight and realize that I had captured Kami just being Kami: the best big sister EVER!

My Max

Max.

What is there to say:

I've been experiencing a keen sense of de ja vus lately... what with Max emptying cupboards and attempting to plug things into light sockets and all.

When Cooper was 2 life was hard for me. I could not keep up with the kid. He was everywhere and into everything AT ALL TIMES! I would turn my back for a second  

literally  

and when I turned around it was pure chaos.  Perhaps I'm a slow turner. History (and experience) suggests that I stop turning. Bad things happen when people turn.

I never could figure out how to keep things picked up when Cooper was around. Oh gosh, those were such physically/emotionally/self esteem draining days.

And then Landon came along... and turned 2... and then worse yet, he turned 3. 

And Landon was different and harder. 

He wasn't necessarily into everything and causing mischief at all hours. No, he was a different hard. Like stubborn. And obstinate. And purposely naughty and belligerent. Like he lived to push buttons and throw tantrums. 

He would act out just because I said no. 

He would scream just because he felt like it.

 And he felt like it ALL THE TIME! 

(please take note that all these seemingly negative adjectives are not meant to describe Landon but rather his behavior. As anyone who has met Landon knows he is endearing and addictive and at all times a charmer. I'm merely describing personal struggles as a mom. Not a lack of love and adoration.)

I remember looking back on Cooper's "terrible twos" while in the midst of Landon's "terrible twos" and thinking: 

"what was it exactly that was so difficult about Cooper as a toddler? I remember him being challenging but I can't imagine what could be worse or even equal to this!"

...

This morning, as I cleaned butter off my toaster and down my cabinet fronts I remembered Cooper. I remembered what it felt like to constantly have to watch him to ensure that I wasn't constantly picking up after him or avoiding casualties. 

And, I know now, it's not better. It's not worse. It's just different.  

Cooper wasn't better or worse. Landon wasn't better or worse. They were just different. And oddly enough, that's endearing. 

Cooper knew how to exhaust me physically, mentally, and at times emotionally. 

Landon knew how to exhaust my patience and my willpower and occasionally my heart.

...

Max is 17 months now. What he loves the most is mischief; pure and simple. He loves to undo. He loves opening cupboards and drawers and spreading the contents through the entire house.

Which is so very much like Cooper. 

He loves figuring out things and mimicking how he has seen things done. He is forever curious. He loves combining things, and spreading things, and coloring on things, and dumping stuff into gallons of milk that should NOT be dumped into gallons of milk. (we've thrown away a lot of milk recently)

Very Cooper behavior.  

(only he's getting a head start at a much younger age than Cooper was before he started his shenanigans)

At dinner time he hops up on the table and scoots from plate to plate sampling what he wants from each family member's dinner; never content with the fact that his plate holds the same exact meal. 

He is a creature of habit and wakes up early each morning just so he can accompany his dad downstairs to wake up "the kiddos" for school.

He thinks all valuable treasure must be hidden in the dishwasher.

And his days are always spent trying to fit things where they don't belong or make chaos from order.

And he is cuddly. He, at several times during the day, will stop what he is doing to come wrap his arms around my legs. When I pick him up he always rests his head on my shoulder. And whenever I am sitting in a chair he has to climb up to sit beside me (or on me) just for a moment or two and then he's back in the game.

This is Max.

This is very much only my Max.

One of my favorite things about Cooper is his curiosity. 

His imagination. 

His creativity. 

If I look back I can remember seeing that in his escapades at 2. And now, I can see that potential, that essence, in who Max is right now. And I can hardly wait. I am grateful now for my two year old Cooper. He helps me look at my 1 year old Max and see that, although it's exhausting and disheartening at times to never be able to have anything left alone, if these pensions for mischief are a testimony of who he is,  

WOW he is one amazing kid.

Because you know what? Every time I look at Cooper that is what I say.

 Wow, he is one amazing kid. 

As a side note, I'm pretty sure this mom can only handle one Landon. I'm not sure I would live through a reincarnation of his brand of amazing.  I'm probably still too close to the belly of that beast to find it endearing to endure that again. ;)

 

8 is GREAT! ... unless you're a mom and then sometimes it really s**ks to see your baby grow up...

  I have a lot to post. 

A lot to remember. 

Best to undertake it one small bit at a time. 

Milestones make me sick to my stomach. Which is probably why I am terrible about blogging them: Birthdays, Christmas, holidays, big time events most likely only to happen once in a lifetime... you will be hard pressed to find many of those documented on my blog. The sheer stress and importance of "these will never come again" makes me want for words and more importantly struggle against feelings of inadequacy and regret. Not to mention the fact that I hate, HATE, the fact that, without my permission, my children continue to grow older and farther away from this stage of life with every passing day. 

No such milestone of this magnitude has happened in our lives as parents before. And, as it always goes, looking back you find you would have done a million things differently... but that ship has sailed and the ship of regret has docked in harbor. (I wax poetic don't I? I've been sick so I've been reading a lot. My manner of speaking has adjusted for the time being. apologies.)

I'm talking, of course, of Kameryn's baptism and confirmation as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Now, make no mistake, her baptism I do not regret, not in the least. However, I strongly regret the amount of thought and importance I put into things which, looking back, offer no amount of importance.

One such casualty of my skewed logic rests in the fact that I have no pictures of Kameryn in her baptism dress on her baptism day. Nor any pictures of me with her from that day. A wound I am most likely never to forget. 

So, let this be a lesson to me, never to place the trivial fluff of an event above the weightier meat of it.

However, one of the happy happenstances of my veritable event planning OCD is that I have a whole "photo shoot" of photos of Kameryn in her baptism dress taken prior to the day.

Of that I am blissfully grateful. 

And this post is, at it's heart, an excuse and opportunity to assault you with pictures of the little girl I love more than anything in the entire world.

 

This picture was one of our favorites (hence the fact it's bigger than the rest) It accompanied the grandparents invites and a few others and was blown up to a larger size for me to keep. Grandma "Big House" (my mom) specifically requested this picture because it is one of the few we have that captures the true essence of joy that Kameryn is. Most of her other pictures, as you will soon see, offer her more "demure" belief of good picture taking etiquette.

  

  

 

 

She (Kameryn) was most partial to this picture with the coy smile and pearl necklace. Along with several other where she had tilted her head and placed her hands "just so" and looked very much like a girl prepared to get her portrait painted. She is ever much a lady at heart I believe.

 

 

This is one of my favorites simply because of the joy I take just from staring at her perfect little face. 

My beautiful little girl.

This picture is the one that accompanied her invites and it makes me happy every time I see it. Brandon thought it was cheesy. So, if you agree with him, keep it to yourself. It makes me smile.

I have also attached her testimony which she wrote to be accompanied with her invites and we will end this post with that. 

It is by far one of the things I will treasure most.

Max. Sept 9, 2012

Life is...

 Back to school:

 

Kami is in 3rd grade. Which is impossible. And scary. And she is gorgeous. Naturally.

 Don't ask me about this face... I have no clue... maybe he's a tough guy?

Cooper is in 1st grade. And he LOVES the cafeteria!

Other odds and ends:

We have a dog, he's still fat. And he barks at people for no reason other than to give me stress and anger issues.

Bowens are great!